I appreciate it.
Thanks very much.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
I appreciate that.
Well, a lot of things have happened
since the last time I saw you.
I just want to talk a little bit
about that war in the Persian Gulf.
Big doings in the Persian Gulf.
You know my favorite part of that war?
It’s the first war we ever had
that was on every channel, plus cable!
And the war got good ratings, too, didn’t it?
Got good ratings.
Well, we like war!
We like war.
We’re a war-like people.
We like war because we’re good at it.
And you know why we’re good at it?
‘Cause we get a lot of practice.
This country’s only 200 years old
and already we’ve had 10 major wars.
We average a major war in this country
every 20 years.
So we’re good at it.
And it’s a good thing we are,
We’re not very good at anything else anymore.
Can’t build a decent car.
Can’t make a TV set or a VCR worth a fuck.
Got no steel industry left.
Can’t get healthcare to our old people.
Can’t educate our young people.
But we can bomb
the shit out of your country, alright!
We can bomb
the shit out of your country, alright!
Especially if your country
is full of brown people.
Oh, we like that, don’t we?
That’s our hobby!
That’s our new job in the world.
Bombing brown people!
Iraq, Panama, Grenada, Libya.
You got some brown people in your country,
tell them to watch the fuck out.
Or we’ll goddamn bomb them.
Well, when’s the last white people
you can remember that we bombed?
Can you remember the last white…
Can’t you remember
any white people we’ve ever bombed?
The Germans.
The Germans are the only ones.
And the only reason for that is ’cause
they were trying to cut in on our action.
They wanted to dominate the world.
Bullshit, that’s our fucking job!
That’s our fucking job!!
Now we only bomb brown people.
Not because
they’re trying to cut in on our action.
Just because they’re brown.
Now you might be noticing
I don’t feel about that war…
the way we were told
we were supposed to feel about that war.
The way we were ordered and instructed…
by the United States government
to feel about that war.
See, my mind doesn’t work that way.
I got this real moron thing I do,
it’s called thinking.
And I’m not a really good American
because I like to form my own opinions.
I don’t just roll over when I’m told to.
Sad to say most Americans
just roll over on command.
Not me. Not me.
I have certain rules I live by.
My first rule: I don’t believe anything
the government tells me.
Nothing!
And I don’t take very seriously the media
or the press in this country…
who, in the case of the Persian Gulf War,
were nothing more than unpaid employees
of the Department of Defense.
And who most of the time function…
as kind of an unofficial
public relations agency…
for the United States government.
So I don’t listen to them.
I don’t really believe in my country.
And I got to tell you folks,
I don’t get all choked up
about yellow ribbons and American flags.
I consider them to be symbols
and I leave symbols to the symbol-minded.
To me, war is nothing
but a whole lot of prick waving.
War is just a lot of men
standing around in a field…
waving their pricks at one another.
Simple thing. That’s all it is.
Men are insecure about the size of their dicks
and so they have to go to war over it.
That’s what all that asshole jock bullshit
is all about.
That’s what all that adolescent
macho male posturing and strutting…
in bars and locker rooms is all about.
It’s called dick fear.
Men are terrified
that their pricks are inadequate…
and so they have to compete
to feel better.
And because war is the ultimate competition,
basically men are killing one another
in order to improve their self-esteem.
You don’t have to be a history major
or a political scientist…
to see the
bigger-dick-foreign-policy theory.
It sounds like this.
What? They have bigger dicks? BOMB THEM!
And of course the bombs and the rockets
and the bullets are all shaped like dicks.
It’s a subconscious need to project
the penis into other people’s affairs.
It’s called fucking with people.
As far as I’m concerned,
that whole thing in the Persian Gulf…
nothing more than a big
prick-waving dick fight.
In this particular case,
Saddam Hussein had challenged and
questioned the size of George Bush’s dick.
And George Bush
has been called a wimp for so long.
Wimp rhymes with limp.
George has been called a wimp for so long
that he has to act out his manhood fantasies…
by sending other people’s children to die.
Even the name Bush.
Even the name BUSH.
It’s related to the genitals
without BEING the genitals…..
A bush is a sort of
passive secondary sex characteristic.
Now if this man’s name
had been George Boner,
well, he might have felt
a little better about himself…
and we wouldn’t have had
any trouble over there in the first place.
This whole country has a manhood problem.
BIG manhood problem in the USA.
You can tell from the language we use. Language always gives you away.
What did we do wrong in Vietnam?
We pulled out!
Not a very manly thing to do, is it?
When you’re fucking people,
you gotta stay in there and fuck them good,
fuck them all the way, fuck them till the end,
fuck them to death, fuck them to death.
Stay in there and keep fucking them
until they’re all dead.
We left a few women and children alive in Vietnam
and we haven’t felt good about ourselves since.
That’s why George Bush had to say in the Persian Gulf,
this will not be another Vietnam.
He actually used these words:
“This time we’re going all the way!”
Imagine an American president
using the sexual slang of a 13-year-old…
to describe his foreign policy.
If you want to know
what happened in the Persian Gulf,
just remember the names
of the two men who were running that war.
Dick Cheney and Colin Powell.
Somebody got fucked in the ass!
